Posted 11 months ago
I'm just another college girl with a wanderlust soul, trying to find my way in the world one stumble and fall at a time.
"Now my feet won't touch the ground."
Posted 11 months ago
I don’t know how I feel anymore. Everyone talks about how when they go back they won’t know how to respond to the question “how was it.” I cannot respond to this because this trip taught me a ridiculous amount about myself. Maybe I’m odd for saying that it changed me; but it did. Changes I hope that will last. I can’t believe I only have 24 days left in Europe. It breaks my heart to think about it that way. I don’t want to go back to my life, my real life, my world. I miss the freedom and the country and school, I do, but the feeling of dread at returning is far stronger. I dread it because I’ve made my life into something I don’t enjoy, something that makes me miserable, something that has changed me in a negative way. I’ve come a long way from the start of college, but there are different things that make me dread my life now.
I truly believe that we have the power to change things, ie our lives, if we want to. And I do, I do want to change it. I had an epiphany last night where I realized my misery is coming from the fact that I am floating at school, trying to find a place to fit, and none of the places I spend time in fit. I feel stupid for wasting time in certain organizations, with certain people, but I know they taught me a lot. I want to change something big this year, and its to slow down. It’s to slow down and enjoy the little things and little people. To write for the sake of writing, unfiltered again. To spend time with those that love me the most. But most importantly? Be mature enough to waste my thoughts and words on hurtful things about other people and myself.
I have a grand dream of my life and who I imagine myself to be. I want to be fearless, carefree, loving.
I want to go cliff jumping in Santorini. Ride a camel in Marrakech. Eat chocolate croissants in Paris. Party at Carnival in Brazil. Drink white russians and talk about life. Befriend people and hear their stories. Explore the four corners of the world. Spend time with the people that make life worth it.
These are the things that matter most. Not how you look, not how you dress, or other superficial things. It just matters how much you decide you want to be true to yourself.
Love, spread love, be kind, and do the things that make you happy.
And this is my new goal for my life, my therapy, and everything in between.
Worse than being fat in your college years?
Not living your college years.
I guess if I want to make friends I should be social.
But today is one of those days where I’m annoyed that people aren’t inviting me anywhere, everything is heightened by paranoia, and my migraine is killing me. Drinking here is a consistent Tuesday through Sunday thing, and I can’t get myself to partake except on Thursday-Saturday because well, honestly, calories.
I honestly want to take the day to go to a small cafe and snuggle up to read a Bulimia help book my therapist sent me a long time ago, but I feel like I am wasting precious time I have here. My roommate is going to the opera (tickets she got while I was napping today…) other people are going out, but I have to remind myself that this trip is for me, and I gotta do me. If I don’t want to drink and I chose to rest today, that is A-OK.
So maybe I’ll go to a cafe after dinner, update my travel blog, and read. Leaving for Warsaw, Poland at 8 am tomorrow….don’t really know what to expect? But I guess time will tell.
Almost certain my darling, beautiful, sweet, charismatic roommate here is anorexic. And it’s so frigging triggering.
It’s booked! It’s booked! IT’S BOOOKEDDDD! Flights, ferries, yay!
Santorini, Athens, hiking Mt. Olympus, Istanbul, staying with my friend from high school in Rome.
I AM SO EXCITED!
If any of you want to meet up drop me an ask por favor :)
I am relapsing so hardcore into my food habits it’s disturbing me. My health is all out of whack and this morning I faked sick so I could sit in bed and be depressed by myself and how fat I felt.
At times where I don’t remember that I don’t have a problem, I need to remember this moment. The fact that my world is literally consumed by food and my body on bad days - that is my eating disorder and how it consumes me.
It’s disturbing, but I don’t think it’s possible to recover from an eating disorder once you have one in the sense that you can forget that period of your life never happened. You just learn to be manage it, live with it, like a chronic disease. I can imagine the thoughts never go away.
I have three emails sitting in my inbox from my best friends that I haven’t answered because I want to tell everyone about the grand time I’m having, making all these GREAT friends…which I am. But it’s just that this body image shit is consuming me. I skipped classes today that I would’ve been really interested in and a trip to the flea market after with our professor…to sit in bed, feel fat, and feel sorry for myself. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for breaking my phone and getting it fixed at a shitty place so now it works even worse - the screen is a weird color and my wifi won’t work. I called my mom because I just needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay…instead she made me feel even worse and I ate 100g of marscapone cheese and three chocolate bars. It didn’t feel like a binge because I hadn’t eaten all day…but I overate, I overate hard, and I feel disgusting.
Top that off with the stress of planning my whole trip afterwards. The girl I’m traveling with literally wants to spend under $350 for our entire travel…which is kind of impossible. She wants to go to Greece and not the islands to save money…what’s the point of going to Greece? I have literally spent three days with her scouring the internet for multiple options to make our trip happen, and I’m so annoyed that nothing seems to be good enough for her. I know in the long run, the cheaper this is, the better - for my wallet, and for a possible trip to California in August, but it’s so stressful.
I just want to be free of this. The worst part is, I know I have the power. I have the power to tell myself that I don’t need dessert after dinner when I’m not hungry, I have the power to not eat when I’m stressed. To not eat a third chocolate bar just because I can. I don’t know why I continue to treat myself and my body like complete shit. I have self control when it comes to drinking, school, everything else…so why I do I left this stupid disorder control my life?
Even my therapist can’t seem to help. i wrote her an email, and she asked me if it was the drinking or anything else…to stick to a plan…the usual things. And it didn’t help.
I know I need to stop thinking about losing weight and be happy with myself. But I am actually overweight. I am actually fat. I am bigger and I hate myself and how I look and that’s not going to go away, paradoxically, till I stop hating that. I ruined something with a guy because I didn’t think I was worth loving and that it was all a mistake and it would just feed my self consciousness to spend time with him.
I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.